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The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, by Judith S. Wallerstein, Sandra Blkeslee
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What's Your Marriage? * The Romantic Marriage: exciting, sensual memories of your first meeting radiate a glow over years. * The Rescue Marriage: the healing that follows early emotional trauma becomes the central theme. * The Companionate Marriage: commitment to careers seeks a balance with commitment to relationship and children. * The Traditional Marriage: the woman takes charge of home and family while the man is the primary wage earner. Hundreds of books have been written about marriages that don't work. But what about the ones that do? Now Judith S. Wallerstein, bestselling author and leading relationships expert, reveals the natural stages of marriage and the nine tasks you must undertake to make a good marriage. As she introduces us to a number of ordinary yet fascinating couples, the intimate interiors of their lives, and the countless pressures they face in an age of divorce, you'll see how happy, lasting marriages are challenged and rebuilt every day-and how, whatever your marriage type, you and your partner can share a joyful, exhilarating, and fulfilling lifetime together.
- Sales Rank: #258030 in Books
- Published on: 1996-10-01
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.00" h x 1.00" w x 5.25" l, .80 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 368 pages
Amazon.com Review
Inspired by the hope that the experience of satisfied husbands and wives might provide useful lessons to others, Wallerstein, a clinical psychologist and specialist on divorce, and Sandra Blakeslee, who writes frequently for The New York Times, interviewed 50 predominantly middle-class, northern California couples who had been married nine years or more and had at least one child. These strong marriages flourish, they argue, because every partner confronted a series of psychological tasks including separating emotionally from the family of childhood, carving out his or her autonomy and creating an environment where anger and conflict could be safely vented. The couples reveal their interior lives in rich, explicit detail.
From Publishers Weekly
Based on interviews with 50 happily married couples, this book examines the factors that allow relationships to succeed.
Copyright 1996 Reed Business Information, Inc.
From Library Journal
Although Wallerstein is best known for her work on divorce, she and Blakeslee (coauthors of Second Chances, LJ 2/1/89) have put together a very appealing book based on interviews with 50 couples who are still together, and still happy, after years of marriage. Most of the book is concerned with defining the four types of marriages (romantic, rescue, companionate, and traditional) that Wallerstein discovered through her interviews. Descriptions of four couples who idealize these types are given in minute detail. The rest of the book outlines nine developmental tasks-derived from Wallerstein's practice as well as the interviews-that couples need to accomplish if their marriage is to be a happy one. Despite some oddities, such as the amount of extraneous detail given when discussing the interviewees' homes, and the fact that this was based on a small and skewed sample group-all participants were middle or upper-middle class and all but one couple were Caucasian-this book will appeal to public library users who want a clearly written and clearly thought out analysis of this universally interesting topic.
--Pamela A. Matthews, Missouri Western State Coll., St. Joseph
Copyright 1995 Reed Business Information, Inc.
Most helpful customer reviews
18 of 18 people found the following review helpful.
Best of all the books I've read in preparing for marriage
By JustAnotherScreenName
I have read 10-15 books relating to marriage preparation and making sure one is ready to pick and BE a good spouse. This was by far the best. The author reassured me that people who grew up with unhappy childhoods & unhappy parents have as good a chance at a happy marriage as others. It also made me aware of many issues these couples had that I had not considered. This book prompted me to think about what I want from my future husband as a type of marriage, as an emotional partner, as a parental partner etc. MUST READ! I also highly recommend "What you Need to know before you fall in Love" as a good gut check of what is normal in a relationship and what isn't, what areas you need to check on (do you have a meeting of the minds spiritually, financially, intellectually etc), and it has a great chapter on warning signs (are you dating this person to impress your boss, annoy your parents, or get revenge on an ex?). I highly recommend Harville Hendrix's Book "How to Find the Love you Want" for a more in depth look at how our childhood affects our need for love and influences our search for the source of that love.
39 of 43 people found the following review helpful.
We could surely use more studies like this one
By Brad4d
The authors bring a rather unusual perspective to the study of marriage -- rather than examining how it has failed or is failing, they examine how marriage can succeed. The book provides a commendable example of a study focusing on success instead of failure. The authors first define a successful marriage, then discuss nine principles common to any good marriage and use several couples as case studies to illustrate and personalize these principles. The book uses a rather small, homogenous, and politically incorrect sample -- nearly all couples were selected by the authors and were lily-white, heterosexual, reasonably honest and cheerful Americans. Of course, many ground-breaking and valid scientific studies have successfully used such small, homogenous and politically incorrect cohorts. The book is not a cross-cultural study, an historical analysis, or a "how-to" guide for "making marriage work," and those whose marriages are in trouble may not find this book much of a substitute for self-analysis or competent counseling.
Since history began, in nearly all societies, marriage has successfully survived despite never-ending pressures from those who have sought to abolish, revolutionize, over-idealize, or trivialize it. Marriage has proven flexible, durable, and critically important to individuals and to societies. Nevertheless, individuals and societies should frequently re-examine and re-explore marriage if they are to gain the most benefits from it -- marriage and success are verbs as well as nouns. Marriage and the family certainly need attentive examination today, since they remain under tremendous stresses from those who wish to change (or destroy) them and from forces causing them to fail at an increasing rate.
The authors have given us a fine example of such an examination. They write remarkably well (no surprise, given Ms Blakeslee's wonderful columns in the NY Times Science Section, which first drew me to this book). They relate how marriage can be enriching, empowering, dynamic, transformative, redemptive, and positive (I found myself cheering on one of the subjects whose marriage succeeded despite enormous psychological problems dating from his childhood). As the husband of a wife whose parents had a successful marriage, as the child of a successful marriage, and as a member of a thirty-three year old successful marriage, I found the principles outlined in this book to be reasonably accurate and helpful. No book could be the last word, but this one is a fine place to start.
30 of 35 people found the following review helpful.
Good marriage?
By Elisabeth
Some relationships in this book appeared healthy. For example, the guy who defied his mother by marrying his fiancé. He was quite young at the time, yet had the maturity to choose his own path, even if that meant upsetting his mother.
However, I questioned the healthiness of others. For example, one couple felt that without each other, they'd panic as if being sucked into a black hole. Feeling emotionally incomplete, they latched onto their partners hoping their partners would save them...kind of like a drowning victim clutching a floating device for dear life.
But a drowning and desperate person doesn't make a good partner. I've been on the receiving end of a relationship like this & it felt very suffocating. I eventually left this relationship and am glad I did. The author may view this type of relationship as good, but I saw it as suffocating.
The chapter that completely turned me off, though, was the one on infidelity. The author asked "good marriage" couples their views on infidelity. These couples said they'd be okay if their partner cheated as long as the affair was brief and resulted out of loneliness - like being apart due to a long business trip.
So, sneaking around, breaking mutually agreed upon vows, and lying to your partners face is okay as long as you invent a good enough excuse? That sounds desperate to me.
I believe good character should matter more than good excuses that disguise poor character.
Take one woman who cheated on her husband. When asked if she felt any remorse, the woman LAUGHED and replied, "Not at all."
When asked how the marriage was going at the time, she replied, "It was fine. But the moon was full, and my husband was 5,000 miles away."
Now, I've heard some pretty lame excuses for cheating...but blaming the moon?
I wonder how casually this woman would've reacted if, while she was away, her husband had an affair, too. After all, he was also 5,000 miles away. Would she find HIS infidelity funny enough to laugh about? More importantly, if he knew of her affair, would he find it funny? Would he still consider the marriage a good one?
In another example, a wife feeling depleted by her husband's breakdown and depression said, "I gave myself the present of a brief affair with a much younger man."
I wonder, though, if this generosity extended to her husband, too...allowing him to also seek out "presents" whenever he felt drained by his wife. I'm guessing like the previous example, this marriage was "good" based on how ignorant the husband was.
Both of these women, as well as other women in that chapter, spoke of committing adultery as a perfectly normal way to treat someone you love...but it's not normal or loving.
Trust is a precious gift someone can give you. Instead of handling that precious gift with care, they took advantage of it for their own selfish gain. If people can behave this selfishly and still be considered a "good marriage" couple, that's setting the bar pretty low.
On the bright side, the author does advise against cheating., however, I disagree with her reason. She says marriage involves sacrifice and one sacrifice is settling for a tamer sex life. Well, if you phrase monogamy like that, who in their right mind would choose it?
Monogamy doesn't have to be tame. On a surface level, you can add excitement with different positions and locales. On a deeper level, you add excitement by being vulnerable enough to trust your partner with your deepest desires.
So monogamy is as tame or as creative as the couple who makes it.
As a single person, I like reading self-help books that model healthy behavior for long-lasting relationships. Unfortunately, this book wasn't helpful.
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